The Fifth

July 9, 2017

Overall this has not been an “emotional” pregnancy, which is super weird. Anyone who really knows me know that I cry with ALL the feelings, but not this time. If anything, I’ve been kind of an angry and annoyed pregnant lady this go round… that is, until the last week or so. I can feel the fear creeping in, and I’m fighting it with all I have.

It started the other day when my oldest asked me, “so, what do you mean when you say you want the doctor to pop your baby out and then you want everyone to leave you guys alone?” She has overheard me say this multiple times, and I understand her confusion. It’s a weird thing to want. This will be my 5th delivery, and all of my babies were taken from me after they were born except for Dylan. Harper (my 2nd) was taken to the NICU and I couldn’t go see her for 24 hours. Annie was taken to the OBICU, and luckily I got to join her, but then she left this earth forever. Iva was taken to the NICU and I couldn’t go see her for a few hours. So yeah. I want them to “pop my baby out”, give it to me, and leave. It’s traumatic to be with your baby for it’s entire existence, and then it’s gone.

I have no control over how delivery will go, other than planning a c-section. I have no control over my health post delivery, or the health of our baby. That’s what scares me so much. Rob and I were talking about this the other night, and along with the fear comes waves of guilt, because we have been sheltered and provided for every step of the way on our journey of parenthood. How dare I be afraid.

I have been fighting some dark thoughts as well, for example, even though we have had two ultrasounds and been given a clean bill of health for this baby so far, there is no guarantee that everything will be fine. Then, I read the recent articles about the musician and his sweet wife who died just hours after giving birth to her first baby. My heart shattered for them. This will be my FIFTH C-SECTION. When I think about what could go wrong, and possibly leaving Robert alone with what will likely be four little girls I just start sobbing. I know they would all be ok, but still.

I don’t even really know why I’m writing this. I think thoughts like this are given a far greater power when kept in secret, so maybe admitting them will strip them of that. I want to be free of them.

There are some things within my control, though. Robert and I have asked our families not to come to the hospital the day the baby is delivered. We have never had time alone to bond with our babies after they are born, and obviously that is something I desperately want and need. That is a very difficult thing to ask (and to be asked of, I’m sure) but we have been so grateful for everyone’s unwavering support.

This has been an “uneventful” pregnancy, thank the lord, so I know that all of these thoughts and feelings are products of an overactive mind. I am trying not to worry until there is something to worry about, and keep my hope, faith, and trust in the one who has never failed me. And God willing, they will pop this kid out and leave me alone.