The Celebration
June 15, 2018
If you told me five years ago that I would be looking forward to Annie’s birthday, I would have collapsed into a giant sweaty pregnant pile and cried until you were so uncomfortable you ran away. If you would have told me 4 years ago, I might have done the same thing because I was pregnant again and a hot anxious mess. 3 years ago? I might have punched you because I was on my own with a deployed husband. 2 years ago I might have punched you because that’s when I got super angry about loss and was drunk… a lot… Last year I was doing ok, but I still probably wouldn’t have believed you. This year, it’s so very true.
I have such a sense of joyful anticipation about Annie’s upcoming birthday celebration, because this year it’s finally going to be what it’s SUPPOSED to be. I’m going to share a bit today about why and how Shine came to be.
Before Annie was even born, I KNEW I was supposed to host a fundraising event for her birthday. It was this feeling that captured my heart in a way that I can’t even explain. At the time I didn’t even know what it was going to look like, or who the funds would be raised for, but the seed of the idea was there while Annie was still in my belly.
Annie was born, she lived, then she left. The next year was messy, hard, and so so sad. There was not a lot of planning or really that much living going on with me. Her first birthday came and went. My husband Robert’s family has a beautiful Thanksgiving tradition where we write 3 things we are thankful for that happened in the past year, and 3 things we are prayerful for in the next year, and we tuck them away to read at the next Thanksgiving. For 4 years how I have felt guilt and shame at Thanksgiving because another year had passed and I read where I had written “Annie’s birthday party” on the previous year’s card, and it hadn’t happened. It didn’t happen because I wasn’t ready. I knew I wasn’t ready.
Last Thanksgiving when I wrote “Annie’s birthday party”, I had a renewed sense of hope. I have FELT all the feelings that have come my way these past 5 years. I know so much more than I did then. I am equipped. I have supporters. I have experience in asking for help, emotional and physical. I am crying as I write this, because I just realized that I am looking forward to reading my Thanksgiving cards this year. It’s happening. I’m ready.
I am writing this to tell you that Annie’s birthday party is going to be fun. It’s going to be special, and joyful, and meaningful, and for me, monumental. Romans 8:28 tells us “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” I love this verse for what it says and what it doesn’t say. It says “God causes everything to work together.” It doesn’t say only the #blessed things that happen. Everything means the good stuff, and it also means the really really SHITTY stuff. I am a believer, but I in no way claim to have all the answers. I don’t know why some babies die. What I do know is that I have SEEN babies who have lived only for precious months, days, hours, and those who never even took their first breath change this world for the better. That’s everything. I have also met their mommas who smile after losing those babies. That means something. Yeah, that’s everything.
I want to celebrate. I want to dance. I want to laugh. I want to cry (because I cry when I’m happy). And I want you to join me.
Happy Birthday Annie. I’m doing my best to spread your gorgeous light.
-All proceeds of Shine go directly to our friends at The Spero Project. I hope you consider joining us to celebrate Annie and contribute to the life changing work at The Spero Project!